Friday, February 17, 2006

The New Conservatives

I used to love VICE Magazine. Whenever I opened it up, I would almost shit my pants laughing. One time, a buddy of mine actually did shit his pants, but it wasn't while reading VICE. Anyways, I digress. Lately, however, the magazine had settled into a safe mode and become kind of stale. Now, while DW was on the can, VICE could only muster a few chuckles, and its descent into the realm of mild amusement made me kind of sad. Suddenly, DW revved into investigation mode. We were determined to figure out why VICE had all of a sudden kind of started to suck.

I started by going to the VICE website to surf around, trying to locate the general time frame of the decline. Then, while I was reading an article about the massively insane drug called Salvia Divinorum, a post on their message board directed me to an article VICE founder Gavin McInnes wrote for The American Conservative, saying Gavin McInnes had sold out and was trying to convert middle class youths to a right-wing agenda.

In the article, McInnes concludes that the average VICE reader is gradually turning into right-wing young conservatives coined “Hipublicans” (FYI -- anyone who uses the term Hipublican with a straight face should be shot. Just a warning). Now, the McInnes column, in true VICE fashion, was a superiorly subtle gag, and was partially done to fuck with the low-rent losers in the mainstream press, who have apparently forgotten the first rule of journalism – fact-checking – and had big names like Newsweek calling VICE a right-wing magazine and The New York Post babbling about the right’s “new hip image”. I loved VICE again for the stunt, even if McInnes doesn’t work on the mag anymore (the new issue is good, so maybe there's still some hope for my beloved rag).

But, McInnes did admit he agrees with AmCon from time to time, and some of the shit he was talking about was true. And what interested me the most about his article was the fact that there is a growing number of young men and women who are considered Young Hipublicans – young, hip, angry and conservative, bred mostly on college campuses as a rebellion against the establishment (which, four years ago, was the Clinton administration).

Intrigued, DW wondered aloud about what seperated these Hipublicans from your garden variety conservative. Well, we did some research (astonishing!) and we came across a great New York Times piece on Hipublicans by John Colapinto, which goes in-depth about the Hipublican movement and what these kids had to say.

Well, what do they have to say, you ask? Take Charles Mitchell, a Bucknell University sophomore and a self proclaimed Hipublican who boasts no less than four Reagan biographies on his bookshelf. He's quoted in the article saying, ''I don't agree with Bush's politics some of the time, but he's not phony at all. When he talks, he's just a straight-up honest guy, and I love that. As politicians go, you kind of trust him.''

Go ahead, and re-read that last paragraph.

Done? Okay.

Boys and girls, this is another reason not to send your kids to college in America. Universities nowadays are breeding grounds for shitheads who don’t function properly in our society – they either get brainwashed, like this shithead Mitchell, or fuck themselves into a brain coma. Either way, when they graduate, their BA in Political Science usually is just good enough for the night shift manager slot at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Unless you were born incredibly fucking rich – in that case, you can believe whatever you want because it doesn’t fucking matter what you think. You’ll be someone’s boss regardless, most likely at daddy’s company, where you become the first entry-level VP of New Business Affairs and will probably be responsible for destroying dear old Dad’s company in ten years when Dad has a stroke and you’re promoted to CEO, and you don’t know what the fuck to do because YOU FUCKED YOURSELF INTO A BRAIN COMA IN COLLEGE. Now, fucking yourself into a brain coma is really fun. But, it’s terribly irresponsible in these troubled times.

So, now that you know where the average young Hipublican is coming from, if you know or see any of these chodes on a regular basis, please bash them in the face a few times to try to knock some sense into them. Oh, and Salvia Divinorum is supposed to get you monstrously fucked. Visit Sexgetter for more info on how to be a big cock I'm sure your local Bed Bath & Beyond manager has tried it a couple of times.

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